just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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