He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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