Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
