I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
