I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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