He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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