Kiss
Puke
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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