I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
