don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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