Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Couch. On fire.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
