Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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