I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
