new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
