i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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