I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
