I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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