He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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