I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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