she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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