there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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