I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
