My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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