after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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