Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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