I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I could make wine with my vomit
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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