I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
