You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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