she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
