I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
