i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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