I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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