Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
