she woke up with a sticky ear
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
