Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
