I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize