I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
