We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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