Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
