Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
