hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
