I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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