Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
