If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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