I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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