May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
