I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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