for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
