I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
