I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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