the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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