oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
