She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
