I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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