i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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