so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
