During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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