i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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