No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
she peed on how many people?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
