i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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