we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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