You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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