Can i not drive my cunt home
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
