last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize